I finally had to say something vis-à-vis the heat blasting all day.
I said “OH MY GOD I’M FALLING ASLEEP BECAUSE IT’S SO HOT IN HERE!!!”
The gal who used to sit next to me and blast her m-effing heater said “I finally turned my heater off around 10am.”
I said, “Oh the voodoo doll I made started working at 10am? Good to know.”
If you’re a person who’s always cold, just stop reading this blog. I feel more insane ranting coming.
Here's a dictionary to translate our (ok, mostly Kelsey's) bastardization of the English language. Confused? Join the club.
______ of fear = fill in the blank and it's something bad. If you got a bad haircut, it's Hair of Fear.
______ of power = fill in the blank and it's something good. If you made a cool scarf, it's the Scarf of Power.
Al Pacino = Super productive, multi tasking, attacking any and all projects and Gittin 'er Done.
Barth = Barf
Belcher, That was a = That was a big burp!
Big Al Here! = Hello.
Blady = Blog Lady = Readers and commenters of F&TT. Plural - bladies
Bust A Move = Leaving the theater before the credits roll, eg.: (aaaannd...scene. "You wanna Bust A Move?")
Butt Hair = Butter. See also Doll Hair.
Butter Rum = Better Run, as in, "I'm late for class!" "Then you butter rum!"
...Butterscotch! = We can't say, but it's just little giggle for us and Jennifer. Hee Hee!
California = Adjective, Sorry Californian's, this is not a compliment. Though there are many great things about that state, when we say "She was so California," it makes us think of too many highlights in one's hair and vanity plates on one's Hummer. Yuck.
Cancer = Anything synthetic
Children of the Corn = Kelsey's kids.
Chocolate = Money. Usually referred to when it is owed.
Cigarrest = Cigarettes. Don't ax.
Co-plain = Complain
Coooon Believe It! = I couldn't believe it!
Cornfused = Confused
Corny Poop = Something really super corny
Crazy Bastard = Anyone who deems themselves as such, usually they have a mullet.
Crock = A short-ish shirt. Not a crop top but one that doesn't go below your hip bones.
DeepaDiapah = Diaper change. Coined by Baby B.
Depeche = Depressed.
Diaper Baby = A cry baby.
Dic = Dictionary. Durr!
Dickin' the Dog = Not doing much. Aka, Dick the dog.
Diggy = Corny, hokey.
Doll Hair = Dollar, dummy!
Donkey Dick = Idiot. Useful phrase. Often shortened to Donkey D., especially when driving with children in the car.
Dude. = Hi.
Dude? = Check this out.
Dude! = Can you believe it?
Fggt Socks = Little footie, no-show socks.
Feelin' Great = Losing Weight. It rhymes, see?
Finger Jam = Pap Smear. This blog is not for the faint of heart. Love us, love our slang, people.
Grrrrrrross = Gross. But you have to say it rolling the rrrs.
Guh, Guh, Guh! = Descriptive phrase used to indicate something diggy.
Har = Hair
High Forehead = I farted.
Hilar = Hilarious. Duh!
Hmm! Where are you in your pills? = Are you about to hit the placebo week on your birth control pills, because you are PSSSSSSS!
Hotter than Crotch = Uncomfortably hot.
Hungry Mungry = I'm freaking hungry. Hurry and decide where we're eating!
I laughed, I cried, I ate a box of popcorn = What you say when someone asks you if you liked a movie. Stolen from some 80's joke about Roger Ebert.
I need a treat = Buy me something. I'll totally buy you something later.
I'll Alert the Media = This is the response you give when someone says something really boring. Say it in a British accent ala John Geilgud in "Arthur."
It's...Dolly Wares! = I actually don't remember what this came from. I'm pretty sure it's not blog-appropriate material, but I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.
Jeally = Jealous.
Kenny Rogers Roaster = See "Hotter than Crotch"
Kicking it Up on the Hill = Borrowed from JF, meaning "I just don't want to hang out with you right now."
Knits = Frog and Toad will never tell.
Les Miserables = Miserable, grouchy, etc. Sometimes shortened to Les Miz.
Maybe We Shouldn't Go To Hall of Fame = You shouldn't leave the house in your uber intoxicated condition.
Melmac = mail or mailman
Moana Mah Groana = A co-plainer.
Moking in the John = Smoking. Cigarettes!
Moolah for the Poolah = Money
My Life...is Like Death = Grrrrreat dramatic phrase to use when you're needing some attention. From the cinematic masterpiece, "Overboard."
Narvous = Nervous. Kelsey's brother said this before his first day of high school. Kelsey said, "Are you excited for school tomorrow?" and he replied in a silly voice, "I'm narvous!" Maybe it was middle school, actually.
Naush = Nauseous. I stole this from Michelle Harris and I think it's fab.
Nervy B = Stolen from Kelsey favorite Young Adult books. Nervous breakdown. Same thing as a ditherspaz.
No Mon, No Fun = I can't do anything fun because I'm broke as a joke.
Nuke your pubes = Using a dipilatory before you go swimming.
Obsesh = Obsession. Not Calvin Klein's, but just a regular old crush on something. See also, Pash.
OH ROLLLLY? = Duh, no shit, etc. This one is hard to communicate in writing, but you have to said it loud, and in a dumb voice. Don't ask.
Oregon Blue Book = Not where you find car values. It's a notebook for 8th grade Science class. Duh! Keep up! See also, Redbook.
Pash = Passion. Not the soap opera, but just a crush on something. See also, Obsesh.
Perf-Merf = Perfect
Pimply-Faced Teenager = Any teen, regardless of skin condition. Kelsey gets vair vair aggravated at teenagers.
Plastic-Acid-Drinky-Winky = Slurpee.
Positive Two Mil = Refers to Mark somebody, Jr at Siuslaw High. We rated his looks on a scale of 1-10 and agreed he was a positive two mil. As opposed to a negative two mil. I can't remember the poor boy we gave that rating to.
PP = Plus sized
Prince Valiant = Valium
Prune Pit in the Couch = Revenge, sweet sweet revenge.
PSSSSSSSSSS! = You're in a bad mood! This one is a great one because when you use it, you're really taking a chance. It's either going to make the person more mad, or it's going to snap them out of it and make them laugh. It's a little roulette action, if you will. Minus the money. Or the gun.
Put a Turbo on it = Hurry Up.
Redbook = Not a women's magazine, an 8th grade Science notebook. Come on! See also, Oregon Blue Book.
Relaxing Drink = An alcoholic beverage, when you're really uptight. When you're not uptight, it's just called a drink, beer, whatever.
Rip me off, flip me the bird! = When somebody or some store charges way too much for something. They're stealing your money AND screwing you at the same time.
Rockin'...and rollin'...and whatnot = An appropriate response to, "What are you doing?" This is from the 1970's cinema classic, "Grease."
Roger Lodge = Not just the host of that horrible dating show, I can't remember the name. It's also means, "OK!"
Ross = Feathered hair. Not feathered by using a curling iron, but the kind you get when you drag a fine toothed comb away from your face and follow it closely with hair spray. Inspired from Nina's old love interest, Ross, on All My Children. EH? Now you see?
Rugburner = Rebecca Forbes McNamee. The Rugburner was particularly irritated by our vocab. NOW IT'S ON THE INNERNETS, RUG!
Sittin' Around in my B's and U's = Another appropriate response to the question, "What are you doing?" It means 'Relaxing.' B's and U's are Bras and Underwears.
Sunriver Fart = Pure Evil.
Surprise Surmise = Surprise. This is what you might call a long cut. Not a shorter version of the word, but a longer one. Just embrace it, it's easier that way.
Take the Paper-Paper! = This accompanies the word "prepare" in any form.
Taking the perverts to Enchanted Forest = working in juvenile residential treatment. ha ha ha ha ha. SOMEONE actually said that one.
Tarred = Tired.
Tarred and Feathered = Really damn tired.
The Diff = Oh, how to define this? And should it be alpha under D or T? Alicia, please edit. I'd say it's being cool but not too cool. Having a good sense of humor? Or, we could list it under K for 'Knows the Diff' and just define it as The Ultimate Compliment. Help!
Togar = Together. Thanks mom.
Top Gun = Known to some as "Doris Day," this is a parking spot right in front of your desired destination.
Totes = Totally. This drives Jason crazy when Kelsey says it.
Trade for a Trade? = Would you like trade with me?
Tragic = Adolescent or young adult with an alternative look. It's a noun, not an adjective.
Tranq = Pharmaceuticals targeting anxiety. Usage: "Ugh, I have UFA. I need a tranq."
UFA = Unidentified Flying Anxiety
Underground = One of those zits that never comes to a head and just hurts and is huge.
Viarity = Variety
Wiener = Weather, of course!
Wisgusting = Disgusting. Baby B. used to say wisgusting instead of disgusting when he was a wee babe. One time Kelsey made dinner and he took a bite and said, "THAT'S WISGUSTING."
Wolowitz = Bad har day = Bad hair day.
YOU!!!! Get serious!! = A good one to leave on someone's voicemail. You have to yell it and sound mean. Then you say, "It's me, call me" in your normal voice. Then you laff and laff.
You owe me chocolate = You owe me money. This was actually originated by the Prune Pits friend. See how it all comes back around?
47 = The number Kelsey uses for dramatic effect. Depending on the drama necessary, sometimes 47 is added to other numbers. "I did 47 loads of laundry today!" or "How is it possible that my kids have 247 mismatched socks?"
Just start unplugging it every time she gets up…
It is ridiculous to make other people uncomfortable because you don’t know how to dress appropriately for the weather.
Bring her a pair of socks and kindly explain that her heater usage is affecting others. Or put a banana in her tailpipe. One or t’other.