Hello One Reader Remaining!
My new job is so gnarly. So totally gnarly dudes. It’s a total case of “be careful what you wish for.” I left my last job (at the gulag) wanting more brain stimuli. Well, the first job at Megacorp provided that for sure. But I did learn it pretty quickly and could see that it wasn’t my “forever” job. But this new job? GOOD LERD. I’m basically starting a whole brand new job function (Project Management) but with an HR flavor. But I was thrown in the deep end when I don’t really have the PM skill-set yet. I mean, I can get shiz done. I can organize and coordinate and boss folks around like a WORLD CHAMPEEN. But I don’t have the PM lingo and tools down. So I’m learning every minute of every day AND trying to swim in the deep end. I thought I’d be joining and be prepping for a September start with Europe. But noooooooooo, I’m thrown in to stuff that’s already underway in Brazil and the Netherlands and Mexico. And like I said “I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no babies.” Wait. Wrong quote. I said “I don’t know nothing about banks in Brazil!”
And I certainly don’t know nothing about leave of absence laws in The Netherlands and how to program a timeclock so it applies the right kind of time off!!!!!!!!!! FOR THE LOVE!! All I know about the Euro Leave Laws is that it’s basically “Take 20 years off to raise your child and we’ll have your job waiting for you when you get back. And good health care.” That may be a SLIGHT exaggeration. But only slight. In the US, the laws are something along the lines of “Push out that baby, wipe your ‘gina, and get back to work,” right???? Ferreals, when we’re doing project planning, we have to basically cross out the month of August BECAUSE EURO DOESN’T WORK. And any Jan 1 deadlines have to be done by Dec 1 because again EURO NO WORKY.
The moral of the story is: Let’s all move to Amsterdam, yo.
My new boss pulled me aside this morning and asked me to write up a project plan to get the NL timeclock project going, blah blah blah. First, I pooped in my pants. Second, I had a Nervy B. Third, I put on my thinking cap and tried to figger out what she wanted. Then I went to meetings FOR THE NEXT FOUR HOURS STRAIGHT and didn’t have time to work on it. I finally got something drafted and sent it over to her (FOR US TO REVIEW AT AN 8:30 MEETING TOMORROW MORNING) and crossed my fingers and hoped it was what she’s looking for. Then I went pee for the first time today. It was about 4pm.
Here’s the thing to remember: never reinvent the wheel, my dudes. I axed around the office if anyone had a framework of a mini-project plan and I got three examples from folks around here. Then I took what I thought was the best content and made up my own format. With purty pictures. That’s another thing: everything at Megacorp is HIGH DESIGN. Slide presentations look SLICK and I swear folks are ½ graphic designers, ½ HR people, because they produce some amazing looking stuff. I have no experience with that. Give me a spreadsheet or give me death. Wait, wrong quote. Point is: I’ve had to learn quickly how to make an attractive looking slide deck and LAWSIE MERCY it stresses me out.
But she looked at it and said “THIS IS PERFECT!” and only then did I actually relax for two seconds of life. And realized I had to pee like a mofo.
Gnarly, dudes. So gnarly. But look at the purty picture library I have to work with. Super cool. All kindsa fitness pictures. You know what would be hilar? A picture library of NON-fitness related pictures. Like the anti-megacorp. For example: a picture of a dude in a Levi jacket with the sheep lining (you know what I’m talking about), riding a 10 speed bike, with a cig in his mouth and the handlebars turned around backward…and a ½ case of beer balanced on the handlebars. YOU KNOW YOU’VE SEEN SOMEONE LIKE THAT! Or someone wearing yoga pants, but not doing yoga. Maybe they’re sitting on the couch with cocktails and junk food watching TV and laughing w/their girlfriends. YOU KNOW YOU’VE SEEN ME LIKE THAT. This is where my mind goes when I’m stressed. Dudes on bikes, smoking while riding. You can just SEE him riding down Hwy 101 from Circle K, back to his apartment, RIGHT??